what did i do to deserve this?!?

i didn't want to write any mushy stuff in this blog, but i just have to let this off my chest.
i realized so many things this past couple of days.
truly, you never know what you have until it's gone. but yet, if we never lose things that are dear to us, we'd never really appreciate their value.

maybe you thought this is a rant post. or a self-indulgent poor-me whine.
i too would have thought that i would be writing one just about now.
but we're wrong on both counts.

in this supposed saddest point of my life, i actually feel quite good, considering the circumstances.
i miss the philippines, i miss everyone. i miss feeling smart and needed and significant.
and yet, i can't seem to complain. all i feel right now is immense gratitude.

i have never felt so loved. i've always been insecure and always eager to please. i look tough and mataray and all that, but deep inside, i'm always afraid that i'd wake up one morning and find out that everyone hated me. childhood insecurities and abandonment issues are not easy demons to kill. but i digress.

the past week, i have felt the palpable love and support and kindness from everyone -surprisingly at a level that i have never imagined. my friend tiff, who is so lazy she wouldn't even throw herself a party (once she actually CANCELLED her party a week before the date), exerted the effort to invite MY friends (take note, people she didn't even know) over to her house for a despedida. and she made her mom cook my favorite food too! anama's mom shocked me, not only with her generosity by giving me clothes, but with her sweet messages. and of course, my sweet sweet Doce and IEP and Proctoid friends - who took time from their busy busy schedule to wish me bon voyage. and their sweet momentos are treasures that i will keep forever.

i almost didn't leave, because amah got sick and if there's one thing that can make me drop everything it would be her. when she was in the hospital i felt so much regret that i was so cranky the past couple of weeks. i realized that life is really too short, and that i should spend more time smiling and thanking my lucky stars instead of cursing the fates.

yes, i am really blessed. i wouldn't trade this life, my friends, and yes, even my neurotic family, for all the riches in the world.

i am loved. the least i can do is love myself in return.